Your Focus Is Your Reality

"Seek and ye shall find."

-scriptural reference

     So I know I said that I was going to do a post everyday last week about my journey to a minimalistic lifestyle, but there was more to this de-cluttering aspect of minimalism than I thought. The one thing that I didn't plan on, was the new awareness that comes with it. It took me much longer to complete this task than I anticipated. As I went through my bedroom, the awareness I gained was of how many unnecessary things I had decorating my closet... my shelves... my walls... and ultimately my floor. As I went through the things I had in my room, I was overwhelmed by how many totally useless items I had. The only question I was asking myself the whole time, was "why haven't gotten rid of this already?" The answer to this question is selective attention.

My Wardrobe Before Downsizing

     Basically, our brain has a filter that sifts through all the stimuli that we are experiencing at any given moment and prioritizes them as relevant or irrelevant. Then the relevant stimuli are brought to our attention so we can deal with them accordingly. So with the clutter in my bedroom. I was unaware of how much clutter I actually had because it didn't score very high in the relevance category in my brain. But now that I was actually looking for clutter, all that stuff went from irrelevant to relevant at the flick of a switch. After that switch was flipped, I saw so much more.
     I didn't just de-clutter, I also downsized. The one example that I took a picture of was my wardrobe. I won't say that I had ton of clothes, but I had too much to where I didn't wear all of it. So I laid it all out and picked and chose my favorites out of what I had. That way I would always being wearing my favorite clothes. That's what I did.
     Now some may argue that I still have too much, but I feel that if you use all of it, then you have the right amount for you. It's all dependent on what you want. I could downsize even more if I wanted, but I'm comfortable handling what I've got. Plus, it has made it extremely simple to do laundry and clean my room. So I have to say that so far, minimalistic living might be for me. The reason behind that, is because I have more time to do what makes me LIVE NOW and what I love to do. The last thing that I will say about selective attention, is that it can be used to make your life more vibrant and exciting. You see what you want to see in life. Who doesn't want more time to do what they want, and to make their lives more rich and exciting? Thanks for reading, and we'll talk soon! Next stop... Declaring a clutter free zone!
     

My Wardrobe After Downsizing... Tadaah!

7 Days To Minimalism-Day 1-Why?

"I make myself rich by making my wants few."

-Henry David Thoreau

     

     Is having less really more? Minimalists certainly claim so. I watched this documentary on Netflix last night that I found most intriguing. As of lately I've noticed quite a bit of stress on my mind and in my body. I honestly wouldn't think that having things would contribute to the stress, after all don't the things I have help with my stress? At this point I don't know for sure with me right now, but I'm thinking of trying it out and seeing if the three principles I picked out of the documentary is true for myself. The principles that I picked out were that living as a minimalist makes you focus on the quality of the things you have not the quantity. The second principle that I picked out was that living as a minimalist allows you to live intentionally. I had to look up what exactly that meant. The definition that I found most desired for me was that living intentionally means to "live a life that is meaningful and fulfilling to you." (www.liveandlovework.com/2013/03/15/be-intentional-in-all-you-do/) 

 Who doesn't want that? The third principle that I picked out of this documentary is that having less gives you more. Now this last principle mathematically doesn't make sense, but I kind of link it to the first principle that I found. Which when you add those two together makes more sense. Having less quantity makes you have more quality. I'm willing to see if this works!  So first things first how do I become a minimalist?

     So there are close to 13 million results on google when you search how to become a minimalist, so there is variation in methodology. The simple step by step system that I came across that I could understand conveyed it in 7 steps;

1)Write it down.

2)Discard Duplicates.

3)Declare A Clutter-free zone.

4)Travel Lightly.

5)Dress With Less.

6)Simplify Meals.

7)Save $1000.

    If you want more of an explanation to each step you can go to this link... (http://bemorewithless.com/begin/)... By the way, I like that it is a short URL, they really do make it simple! Haha! But since I'll be starting at the beginning, I need to do step 1, which is write it down. Why do I want live more simply as a minimalist?

    The main reason I want to live more simply with a minimalist lifestyle is so that I can eliminate unnecessary stress from my life. Who needs that? Nobody, that's who! The second reason I want to live more simply is because I'm a big believer in quality over quantity. That doesn't mean I've applied that belief to all aspects of my life though. I've done it with food and exercise, but not with material items. So this will be an interesting journey. If living simply can add intention, fulfillment and more quality to my life, I'm more than willing to try it! That's basically my reason why I'm embarking on this journey to minimalism.

     Step 1 is complete! I'll be doing one step everyday this week to move myself towards a minimalist state of living. I'll be keeping this journey updated everyday this week to show my results. I love new opportunities to learn new ways to LIVE NOW, it makes for an adventurous life! Thanks for reading and we'll talk tomorrow, about step two!

Shock and Aw

    "It's all about the shock and aw value."

-My Dad

      As a performer, is it better to have a performance that challenges you or a performance you know the audience will enjoy? That is a question that has been on my mind today. The way I see it is that there must be a balance between the two, but for me personally if you sacrifice appealing to the audience your performance turns into a glorified practice. No one will stay to watch or listen. I also think that there are always going to be aspects of the performance that will challenge you. It may not be the amount and speed of the notes, the steps you display or even the brush strokes you splash on the canvas, but the energy and emotion you convey. 

     As performers, we perform to deliver a message or story. Without our message or story, our art is meaningless. Now you might be saying now that "you can't dumb down your art, because then I wouldn't be being true to myself" but Eintstein said that "if you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough." Being as he was one of the most complex minds in history, that's saying something.

     So before you get all angry about not being able to go shred on stage and melt everyone's faces, think about the reason you want to perform. If you want to perform to perform do it. But if it's just to get up on stage and wave your giant banner on stage saying "look what I can do", be a street performer or a YouTube sensation or whatever you see that is best for you. The fact is, is that performers see performances differently from the non-performers. 

     As a performer, I want to get better and be able to perform more difficult things, but not at the cost of losing my audience. Like I said earlier, a performer is not a performer without his/her audience. Sometimes it's more important to be quietly confident and know you can play those difficult things, so that when that opportunity to show off comes, you can shock and aw your audience. 

     Performing in the arts is a difficult business, but it doesn't have to be if you know your audience. Performing helps me LIVE NOW, and it has brought much fulfillment to my life. What is that you perform? Who is your audience? Just think about that when you're stepping onto your stage. Thanks fore reading and we'll talk soon!

Walking Down The Street Naked

     

     As I've been sitting here for the past 15 minutes, I've been trying to figure out what I wanted to blog about, but nothing has been coming to mind. Then I remembered the quote that is posted above, and it flipped my dilemma on its head. It made me think, "What don't I want to write about?" "What would expose my heart and my mind and show what's on the inside?" Honestly that brought up a lot more writing topics than I expected, but one thing that stuck out to me is that there are so many things we don't know about the people around us. The things that are going on inside each persons head is a secret to practically the whole world. Even the people closest to us have less than half of our story. The purpose for that is to protect ourselves from being disconnected from you and those we love and care about. So in order to "start to get it right" I feel compelled to share something that I have repressed from my story line for so long. (By the way my heart is racing right now, because of how nervous I am for this post. I'm nervous how those people that know me, will view me after reading this. I am hopeful though, because I know how awesome the people in my life are.) When I was 15 I found out about masturbation. I didn't know that what I was doing was masturbation, I just knew it made me feel good. Shortly after that I introduced myself to pornography, and I combined the two. In the beginning I didn't really understand what I was doing, but once I did, it already had a firm grip on me. I was an addict. 

     In the beginning I was in denial. I was in denial that I was an addict, which as I look back, is typical behavior. I thought all those thoughts "I can quit whenever I want", "It doesn't control me" or "It doesn't hurt anyone else" and all the other justifications that our mind concocts. I could only deny what was really going on for so long, before I was hit with a huge wave of guilt and loss of self value. I tried over and over again to quit, but anytime I had a really bad day and was in a dark place, I reverted back to it. Once I was at this point, I felt unworthy of anybodies love or respect. So I isolated myself from those I was closest to. I still spent time with them, but I consolidated those negative and ugly parts of me to a deep dark place so that they wouldn't be found. (Now that I look back at that choice, I think to myself "WHAT AN IDIOT!!! THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU NEED TO DO!!!") With all this energy I was spending on concealing the addiction from the known world, it made it so that I couldn't build true connections with people. This was because I was always hiding a part of me. 

     It always seemed hollow when I would get compliment about how good of a person I was. I would think that if that person knew what I have done, they wouldn't want anything to do with me. It made me feel that no matter how much good I did, that I was beyond redemption. As the addiction progressed and became more and more intense and hardcore, I sank deeper and deeper into this silent shame and depression. I didn't see an end to the hollowness of my life. I got to the point where I didn't want people to know me at all, because if someone were to find the skeletons in my closet, it would destroy the mask I made. The mask that I wore to hide the real me. The mask that made me seem good, honest and all figured out. People admired this mask, so I kept it. Even though the real me that was constantly in agony begged to be released, I imprisoned him. Thinking that if people ever saw this side of me, I would not be so lucky as to be loved, by another human being. Little did I know, I was actually destroying myself with my self imprisonment.  The real tipping point for me was when I went on the pioneer trek in my church group. The whole trek I still wore this mask until the day that we got our letters from home. As people read there letters from home they cried tears of joy, but when I read my letters that praised me for the man I had become, I broke down into tears of shame. At that moment my mask vanished for a brief moment. The real me was set free. When my best friend found me sobbing, he knew that my tears were not of joy, but of pain. I told him everything that night. I felt so undeserving of how much belief people had in me. I wanted to believe that those people's belief was in the right place, but in order for it to be true, I needed to believe it myself. The only way I could prove that people hadn't misplaced their belief, was by exposing my bleeding heart in the daylight where it could be seen. At that moment I remembered an quote from Tony Robbins that resembled where I was at perfectly. “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”) 

     When I told my best friend Jacob about it, to my surprise he didn't abandon me. He received me with the open arms I didn't think would come. I told my Bishop about it. He was the main person that I was accountable to during this process ofthat I was accountable to during this process of recovery. I had regular meetings with him, and I still do. This helped to start my recovery, but it wasn't the biggest catalyst in my recovery. There were several major players in my recovery such as regular exercise, motivational videos and spiritual text but probably the most impactful one was Brinlee Johnson. She didn't know that she was playing such an important role in my life at this time and still to this moment is unaware. Let me explain the part that she has played in my recovery. The reason that she was the biggest player in my recovery is because she helped me realize the most important aspect of recovery. She made me feel that I was worthy to be loved. She made me know that I was worth it! With her loving me, it made me push everyday, to be better than yesterday not just for me, but for her. I wanted so badly to deserve that love she most freely gave. Eminem described this part of my recovery best in his song "Not Afraid", "It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me, Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through And don't even realize what you did". She helped me regain that sense of self worth. For that I am eternally grateful and in her debt. I repay that debt everyday by staying clean.

      I still struggle everyday with my former captor, some days more than others. I just always try and remember a thing that I heard Shaun T say in Insanity Max:30, "Everyday is day one!" Now he might have been saying this in the context of a workout, but it rings true for recovery from addiction as well. Today I can say that I am clean. I am deserving of the love that I receive. Once I felt the love from Brinlee, it opened me up and I started to feel the love that others had for me, and that circle continually expands everyday. It was such a beautiful self revelation to realize one's self worth.  It's all about today. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not yet real. It's all about today.

     I want to conclude saying that no one knows what you're going through unless you share your unbridled story. I share my story to hopefully inspire hope to those of you that are struggling with your addictions. To those that I look up to, my family, The girl that helped me through, Mark Young, Jacob Quinney, I have so much gratitude for how you've helped me in this process. Many of you didn't even know this was what I was going through, but you were also unaware of how much of an essential component you were to this journey being successful. I would not be where I am today without you! I love you all so much! To those of you that thought you knew me before you read this, I hope you see me differently. To those of you that have looked up to me, I hope this makes you realize that everyone has their share of shameful addictions, even those you think are super heroes. To those of you that don't know me, I hope that this story is something that can help you in your addictions, or a story you can share with those you know to be struggling with addiction. Know there is always hope. God puts all these people in your lives so that you can bless them and so you can be blessed by them.  Know that you are loved and deserving of that love. Once you are able to release that part of yourself to the world, it allows you to love more and LIVE NOW MORE! I live for that love and connection that LIVING NOW provides. Choose this liberation instead of the cold isolation of addiction. I challenge all of you to share your struggles with those you love. To say it in the words of Glen from the Walking Dead, "We can make it together, but we can only make it together! So lets go! Thank you for reading, and we'll talk soon.

(This was actually written December 11, 2016)

Into The Void

"Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle."

-Napolean Hill

     The past few weeks have been full of contrast, but most of all full of personal growth. When I faced my fear of telling the people I loved most about my recovering addiction to pornography and masturbation, I thought that was going to be the hardest part of the journey. I was sorely mistaken. The hardest part of this journey has been how one of the people I cared most about has distanced themselves from me. Not because they were disgusted by me, but by themselves. I never thought that would be the case. Through this part of my journey, I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I think. I've learned that I can do so much more than I have even thought possible. As of lately, I have engaged in many activities that make me feel much fulfillment. To name a few, I play in a band with not just fantastic musicians, but phenomenal people. I go to school learning about the things in life I'm passionate about. I get to work in close proximity to my life commitment to being healthy, fit, and improving overall wellness of the mind, body and soul. Basically what I'm getting at is that while I am going through an episode in my life where there is struggle, it makes me more aware of who and what has been there the whole time, as well as that there is so much more to my life than just one person. If you hand over the control of your life to someone else, it's much harder to LIVE NOW and seize what is yours. The power to control your life internally is yours and yours alone to have. I have to warn you though. This doesn't mean you won't have struggles. In fact, so far I would say you'll encounter more struggle. Some of the struggle will be from external sources trying to beat you back into line with everyone else on the giant chess board of the world, but that won't be the biggest source of struggle. You are you're biggest road block. You will be your biggest problem, but you have to remember that while you are the biggest problem, you are the only solution. You are the solution to all your problems and struggles. That is the main principle that I've gathered through this struggle of being pushed away. And now I'm filling the void with myself. That is what we must do. Fill our voids with ourselves. This will allow us to grow and become more fulfilled and LIVE NOW! Thanks for reading this small update. I intend to be more consistent now with posting:) We'll talk soon!