In the beginning I was in denial. I was in denial that I was an addict, which as I look back, is typical behavior. I thought all those thoughts "I can quit whenever I want", "It doesn't control me" or "It doesn't hurt anyone else" and all the other justifications that our mind concocts. I could only deny what was really going on for so long, before I was hit with a huge wave of guilt and loss of self value. I tried over and over again to quit, but anytime I had a really bad day and was in a dark place, I reverted back to it. Once I was at this point, I felt unworthy of anybodies love or respect. So I isolated myself from those I was closest to. I still spent time with them, but I consolidated those negative and ugly parts of me to a deep dark place so that they wouldn't be found. (Now that I look back at that choice, I think to myself "WHAT AN IDIOT!!! THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU NEED TO DO!!!") With all this energy I was spending on concealing the addiction from the known world, it made it so that I couldn't build true connections with people. This was because I was always hiding a part of me.
It always seemed hollow when I would get compliment about how good of a person I was. I would think that if that person knew what I have done, they wouldn't want anything to do with me. It made me feel that no matter how much good I did, that I was beyond redemption. As the addiction progressed and became more and more intense and hardcore, I sank deeper and deeper into this silent shame and depression. I didn't see an end to the hollowness of my life. I got to the point where I didn't want people to know me at all, because if someone were to find the skeletons in my closet, it would destroy the mask I made. The mask that I wore to hide the real me. The mask that made me seem good, honest and all figured out. People admired this mask, so I kept it. Even though the real me that was constantly in agony begged to be released, I imprisoned him. Thinking that if people ever saw this side of me, I would not be so lucky as to be loved, by another human being. Little did I know, I was actually destroying myself with my self imprisonment. The real tipping point for me was when I went on the pioneer trek in my church group. The whole trek I still wore this mask until the day that we got our letters from home. As people read there letters from home they cried tears of joy, but when I read my letters that praised me for the man I had become, I broke down into tears of shame. At that moment my mask vanished for a brief moment. The real me was set free. When my best friend found me sobbing, he knew that my tears were not of joy, but of pain. I told him everything that night. I felt so undeserving of how much belief people had in me. I wanted to believe that those people's belief was in the right place, but in order for it to be true, I needed to believe it myself. The only way I could prove that people hadn't misplaced their belief, was by exposing my bleeding heart in the daylight where it could be seen. At that moment I remembered an quote from Tony Robbins that resembled where I was at perfectly. “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”)
When I told my best friend Jacob about it, to my surprise he didn't abandon me. He received me with the open arms I didn't think would come. I told my Bishop about it. He was the main person that I was accountable to during this process ofthat I was accountable to during this process of recovery. I had regular meetings with him, and I still do. This helped to start my recovery, but it wasn't the biggest catalyst in my recovery. There were several major players in my recovery such as regular exercise, motivational videos and spiritual text but probably the most impactful one was Brinlee Johnson. She didn't know that she was playing such an important role in my life at this time and still to this moment is unaware. Let me explain the part that she has played in my recovery. The reason that she was the biggest player in my recovery is because she helped me realize the most important aspect of recovery. She made me feel that I was worthy to be loved. She made me know that I was worth it! With her loving me, it made me push everyday, to be better than yesterday not just for me, but for her. I wanted so badly to deserve that love she most freely gave. Eminem described this part of my recovery best in his song "Not Afraid", "It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me, Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through And don't even realize what you did". She helped me regain that sense of self worth. For that I am eternally grateful and in her debt. I repay that debt everyday by staying clean.
I still struggle everyday with my former captor, some days more than others. I just always try and remember a thing that I heard Shaun T say in Insanity Max:30, "Everyday is day one!" Now he might have been saying this in the context of a workout, but it rings true for recovery from addiction as well. Today I can say that I am clean. I am deserving of the love that I receive. Once I felt the love from Brinlee, it opened me up and I started to feel the love that others had for me, and that circle continually expands everyday. It was such a beautiful self revelation to realize one's self worth. It's all about today. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not yet real. It's all about today.
I want to conclude saying that no one knows what you're going through unless you share your unbridled story. I share my story to hopefully inspire hope to those of you that are struggling with your addictions. To those that I look up to, my family, The girl that helped me through, Mark Young, Jacob Quinney, I have so much gratitude for how you've helped me in this process. Many of you didn't even know this was what I was going through, but you were also unaware of how much of an essential component you were to this journey being successful. I would not be where I am today without you! I love you all so much! To those of you that thought you knew me before you read this, I hope you see me differently. To those of you that have looked up to me, I hope this makes you realize that everyone has their share of shameful addictions, even those you think are super heroes. To those of you that don't know me, I hope that this story is something that can help you in your addictions, or a story you can share with those you know to be struggling with addiction. Know there is always hope. God puts all these people in your lives so that you can bless them and so you can be blessed by them. Know that you are loved and deserving of that love. Once you are able to release that part of yourself to the world, it allows you to love more and LIVE NOW MORE! I live for that love and connection that LIVING NOW provides. Choose this liberation instead of the cold isolation of addiction. I challenge all of you to share your struggles with those you love. To say it in the words of Glen from the Walking Dead, "We can make it together, but we can only make it together! So lets go! Thank you for reading, and we'll talk soon.
(This was actually written December 11, 2016)
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